“I can’t take my thoughts of him….
It’s strange… not felt like this in a decade… since the time I fell in love with my better half.
Don’t know why but it is happening with me. In the wildest of my dreams I never pictured myself going down this lane of confusion , entanglement and attraction again and that too when I have been married for the last 10 years and a mother of 7 years old boy.”
She was this cute, innocent looking with pleasant personality, medium height, in her late 20’s working with IT Company in a middle level position. She was “One-man woman” type.
In the next 3 months she was about to marry the love of her life. She was happy ,on top of the world , after all she was marrying her prince charming.
He was this sweet, adorable, cute looking, not tall but attractive boy in his early 20’es. He use to work with the same company at an executive level.
It was 10 years back, when he first contacted her on messenger (before her marriage). They use to talk about life, future plans and family. It was during one of the chat sessions that he confessed (adding that she will not get angry after hearing his confession) his CRUSH for her. He told how he use to stare at her whenever they use to cross each other and how he admired her.
She laughed and said,” it’s very natural and human rather glad that you confessed”.
From day one she was very clear with her feelings for him, told him that she is committed and about to marry.
So it was all fine and good to carry on types.
Once, he said that he wishes to meet and she agreed but could never actualize.
They continued to talk off and on, even after her marriage ….and it was always a very general conversation like how are you and life and blah blah blah….
But one day it just all stopped ….she got busy with her new life and new changes…and as the saying goes,” out of sight, out of mind.”
Oh hell!!!….. He is back.
She lets him come back into her life unaware of how he must have changed in these last 6 years, oblivious of the emotional turmoil his presence will bring in her life in the coming months…. Gosh!!! 10 years ….It’s hell lot of a time…..
This cute adorable looking boy is now all grown-up into a confident handsome man with captivating looks, enchanting personality and impressive style of talking which is enough to mesmerise any women.
She is very much attracted, spellbound, hypnotised by his presence.
She has always been of the thought process that once you are married, how can you be attracted to another man and how can somebody get into all this kiddish nonsense!!!
But you know what … now she laughs at herself, the same nonsense has happened with her…. and she is ENTANGLED.
It’s like when you are too sure of yourself that you can never do such stupidity. It is then when Life tests you…. it’s funny isn’t.
In this last 10 years, he had changed not only in terms of looks but his behaviour , attitude…. in ever manner.
He contacted her through Face book .On messenger they exchanged their contact nos.
Next day he messaged her on Whats-app. Initially it was,”hi”, “hello”, “how are you?”.They discussed how life changed in these 10 years but this time it was different. Gradually their conversation became more deep, emotional and intimate. Emoji’s of flowers, hearts, kisses and Romantic songs, sharing his feelings for her and talking for long hrs. At the beginning she objected to all this but later on she let herself drift with the flow unaware of his intentions. All this was happening at a very fast pace.
She too was expressing herself in the same manner and all this while in her mind she knew it was wrong and she did feel guilty as she has been a loyal wife ever since.
She did disclose her feelings for him and how all this while she has been so lonely and neglected that this sudden attention and attraction has made her alive….She revealed how she loved chatting and talking to him and how she adored his attentions and how she become so use to with the hour long chats and talks.
She opened herself like never before… she let her emotions flow like waves not realizing that these waves will hit her back so hard that it will be unbearable.
Her mind wanting her to control her feelings, her emotions…..every time reminding that she is married and a mother .
Her mind was screaming that it is nothing but infatuation and the fact that being in relationship with married woman is much easier since there are no commitments, no expectations, no obligations.
Her gut feeling kept on saying that do not fall into this web of attraction… it will give you nothing but sorrow, resentment ,regret, remorse for the rest of your life.
But still she ignored all those indications as she just loved the attention and the feeling of being wanted again.
I guess when you get sudden attention from unexpected place, you fall for it and you start liking it.
That’s exactly what happened with her…. 10 years of marriage, lots of ups and downs, never been attracted to any man other than “HER MAN”. Always kept her in a shell. Adjusting in every way, trying to be happy in every situation.
Here this handsome looking man comes and sweeps her off her feet with his impressive and enticing talks and yes this time it is she who has fallen head over heels….
She wants to stop the time here.
She behaves like this 20 yrs old girl with her feelings all over the place. Her mind stops to work when she talks to him.
She wants to be with him…. talk to him…. laugh with him … want him madly, badly, deeply… knowing that it has no future.
…. Knowing that she is married and he is single with lots of options and if anything could ever happen then it will be “SEX”……
So one day she opens her heart out…
“It’s so easy to surrender oneself to someone whom you have met a week ago and cross all the boundaries knowingly and unknowingly. The desire to just let go of you when you know that it has no future and that you will be just another count in his list. When you know that few minutes of pleasure will be a curse for the entire life… then there will be no difference between her and others. She will be like other girls in his list…..knowing that it will be betrayal, unethical, unacceptable and guilt that she will never be able to stay with.”
She told him that she wants him to stay in her life, and she adores talking to him and that is all she expects, she does not wish to have any intimate relationship with him though she accepts that she did cross all the boundaries during this time of talking with him.
That’s when she realised he is not the person that she knew 10 years back.
He became A STRANGER…. a stranger she knew he will become after hearing this.
After all she is married and he is single with lots of options and if anything could ever happen then it will be “SEX”……
Indeed, much water has flowed under the bridge!
So now she wants to let it go…. she feels heartbroken, a fool that she made of herself. She has nobody to blame but her for this condition…..
Let it go, let it go, let it go,
He was never mine, he was never meant to be mine
He came like a breeze and went like a storm.
Leaving me in this kingdom of isolation.
Where it is just ME….ME…..ME!!!
Let it go, let it go, let it go.
by Neha Saxena khatri
Just when I think I have learned the way to live, life changes-Hugh Prather “